Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic! Episode 6 Synopsis!

Title: Donald, Where's Your Clownfish?

Opening Scene: It's 'National Hide A Tropical Fish Up Your Anus Day' and Honky is determined not to get involved because a) he finds the whole idea of this day to be pathetically juvenile and b) he still hasn't found/passed the Electric Blue Guppy he jammed up there last year.  In a bid to avoid the whole appalling event he decides to spend the day locked in his underwater home with only a box set of 'Chunky O'Tiswas: Hermaphrodite Budgerigar P.I - Season 12' for company.  But, as invariably happens in the wild and wonderful world of Merman Paramediterity, things don't go quite as planned!

Medical Emergency:  Honky's Dentist, Donald Von Hottentot Jnr, a mild mannered but hopelessly alcoholic Pacific Viper Fish has come a cropper with his '...Anus Day' celebrations.  Due to a combination of his bad memory and copious intake of home brew tequila, Donald has inserted not one but three thousand clownfish up his bumhole.  With the local hospital completely unstaffed thanks to all the doctors and nurses being far too busy jamming fish up each other, Donald calls Honky on the Mer-Phone and begs for his help.  Will Honky be able to remove three thousand clownfish from Donald's back end or will the clownfish eat him from the inside out?!  Only time will tell!

Crime Scene:  On his way to purchase a suitably sized nozzle for the vacuum cleaner that Honky intends to use to remove the clownfish from Donald's brown-eye, our half-man half-fish hero stumbles across an elderly Haddock who is being forced to dance for the amusement of local hoodlums.  Honky's deep seated respect for the older generation drives him to intervene in the situation by grabbing a brick from a nearby building site and repeatedly bashing it over the heads of the local hoodlums.  The elderly Haddock is extremely grateful for Honky's actions but Honky can't hang around to bask in the Haddock's gratitude because a) the Vacuum Cleaner Nozzle Shop is closing soon and b) several of the hoodlums appear to have died from their head injuries and Honky knows enough about the legal system to recognise that he will undoubtedly be charged with multiple murders if the police catch sight of this blood soaked scene.

Domestic Crisis:  Honky's dog's got nits.

Fascinating Fact:  The Vacuum cleaner nozzle attachment used in this show was later donated to a travelling showbiz artefact museum that toured schools, in order to give the children a brief glimpse into the glamorous world of 1970's TV.  Tragically, due to lax hygiene practices of the time, the Nozzle was never cleaned and the resulting bacteria spread through the schools that the artefact museum visited, resulting in mass death on a scale not seen since the days of the Plague.

Favourite Scene:  Interestingly, my favourite scene from this episode is actually an out-take blooper that I saw on a late night 'Making of...' Documentary about this episode in 1981.  During the filming of the scene where the town's population simultaneously jam tropical fish up their mud chutes in a bid to beat the world record they set the previous year, a lighting rig falls on the actor playing 'Hoots McSnout', the Owl/Pig Hybrid who drove the mobile library/waffle dispensary.  In a rare moment of good fortune, the falling lighting rig does not kill the actor and there is a moment of pure joy as the cast cheer and break into spontaneous dancing, convinved that the 'Curse of Honky' has finally been lifted.  Seeing that moment brought tears of joy to my face as well as theirs.  Sadly, minutes later, a runaway train derails and ploughs through the crowds, killing and maiming dozens of actors.  Fortunately, none of them were essential to the plot or series in general.  Phew!

Bonus Detail: If you look very closely at the Dolphin standing in the background of the scene set in the Restaurant (around twenty two minutes in, as I recall) you can see a Siamese Fightingfish fall out of his arse.

Have your say! Join the Honky Electronic Chin Wag! Do you remember this episode?  Have you ever beaten a hoodlum to death with a brick?  Do you have any amusing anecdotes about vacuum cleaner nozzles?  Do you have anything up your bum?  Leave a comment!

Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic! Episode 5 Synopsis!

Title: The Devil's in the Tree Tale!

Opening Scene:  Honky has been buried alive in a box filled with salt and razor blades by his newly aquired enemy 'Sandy Perineum, The Man/Crab Hybrid Murderer Man-Crab With The Claws and The Eyes on Stalks', who has sworn to kill Honky because of an argument over who had eaten the last of the whelks during a late night game of Hungry Hippos round at Jeff The Dusky Grouper's house.

Medical Emergency:  Surprisingly, the medical emergency in this episode is not connected to the subterranean suffocation but instead revolves around an infestation of ringworm that Honky contracted from a hairbrush he borrowed from a friendly prostitute.

Crime Scene:  A firebreathing tree with arms and legs, possessed by the fetid spirit of Beelzebub, has been running amok in shopping centres within a three mile radius of Honky's sea-based living quarters.  Thousands of innocent people have been torn limb from limb, incinerated and/or had household utensils jammed up their rear ends.  Mass panic has led to an exodus of half a million refugees who are now camped in highly insanitary conditions on the side of a mountain near Rhyll.  Cholera, typhoid and the clap are rampant and the death toll is spiralling!  Can Honky escape from the box, smash Sandy Perineum in the face, vanquish the Satanic Tree Monster Thing, cure the cholera/typhoid/clap epidemics and return the refugees safely to their homes? Only time will tell!

Domestic Crisis:  Honky eats a ready meal Chicken Tikka Masala that is beyond the 'sell by' date, resulting in a terrifying bout of gastroenteritis.  There's excrement sprayed all over the curtains and the local dry cleaner is closed, due to the owner currently residing in a refugee camp up a mountain near Rhyll.  Will Honky get the kack off his curtains before the Vicar comes to visit? Only time will tell!

Fascinating Fact:  The name of the actor who played the firebreathing tree with arms and legs, possessed by the fetid spirit of Beelzebub, was removed from the credits after he died horribly during the wrap party for this episode.  The production company refused to take any responsibility for his death at the time, although in a court case in 1989 it was proved beyond doubt that several of their employees had ritually dismembered the actor on a black mass altar and feasted on his flesh.  None of the accused were punished for this crime because they were rich, instead a local homeless man was beaten to death by a angry mob.

Favourite Scene:  Honky battles the firebreathing tree with arms and legs, possessed by the fetid spirit of Beelzebub, on top of a suspension bridge whilst battling his own 'fetid spirit' in the form of his gastroenteritis.  In one of the first examples of breaking the fourth wall in TV history, Honky takes a momentary respite from the violence both inside and outside his body to address his adoring viewers, warning them of the dangers of eating food beyond the expiry date as well as flirting with Satanism, encapsulating this in his legendary advice 'Read the label and the Bible, kids!  They are both there to save you from harm!'

Bonus Detail: The special effects in this episode were so convincing that within half an hour of the broadcast over 89% of global tree stocks had been cut down by terrified viewers, convinced that this was the only way to protect themselves, and their rear ends, from Satanic mayhem. It was, and remains to this day, the largest ecological catastrophe in human history.

Have your say! Join the Honky Electronic Chin Wag! Do you remember this episode?  Have you ever ritually dismembered anyone?  Are you possessed by the fetid spirit of Beelzebub?  Do you live near Rhyll?  Leave a comment!

Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic! Episode 4 Synopsis!

Title: The Crustacean Aviation Situation!

Opening Scene:  After repeatedly reversing over a postman in his Merman Mobile whilst under the accidental influence of peyote, Honky has decided to fly a stunt-plane in the shape of a Lobster in order to sky-write the words 'Sorry for your loss' above the funeral cortège to comfort the postman's grief stricken relatives. Although he has no experience of or qualifications in flying aeroplanes whatsoever, Honky has decided that this is the best way to deal with the guilt of causing the death of the postman, possibly because the peyote hasn't worn off yet.

Medical Emergency:  Unsurprisingly, this episode's medical emergency involves Honky himself, due to the fact he is in a plane that he simply cannot fly.

Crime Scene:  As Honky accelerates into the sky at horrifying speed he spies a Narwhal with robotic legs kicking down the door of a Home For Elderly Sardines.  As the Lobster plane spins hopelessly out of control, Honky ejects from the doomed aircraft and watches helplessly from his parachute as the plane hurtles into the funeral cortège, exploding in a ball of fire and incinerating literally dozens of screaming victims.  

Realising that he still has a robotically perambulating Narwhal to deal with, Honky focuses on the task in hand.  Unfortunately he lands badly, impaling himself through the fin on the spire of a local church and soon Honky is flapping about in agony, spraying showers of arterial blood over a crowd of screaming worshippers, some of whom had only recently survived a Lobster plane crashing into their cortege.

It seems like no one will be able to stop the nefarious activities of the metallically legged Narwhal.  Luckily, Fishface McBoobs is nearby, having just finished a topless photoshoot for 'Hot Blowholes' magazine. With seconds to spare before Honky expires in a lake of his own blood, Fishface climbs to the top of the church spire, staunches the bleeding with her bikini and then rides her pink moped straight through the patio doors into the Home for Elderly Sardines to apprehend the motorised bipedal Narwhal!

Domestic Crisis:  Honky's doorbell is broken and he's worried he will miss the delivery of a sandwich toaster he won in a raffle.

Fascinating Fact 1:  This episode was produced during the 1976 Hollywood Writers Strike, which meant the script had to be written by a man who worked in a sandwich shop near the studio and, although he was certainly enthusiastic, there were rumours of his rampant drug use and subsequent psychosis.  Little else is known of this strike breaking scribe except that he never worked in Hollywood again and had a deep seated loathing of postmen.

Fascinating Fact 2:  Due to an error in the continuity shooting schedule of this episode, the sandwich toaster delivery scene was never filmed.  Much later, when the Director realised his error, he hastily inserted the scene into episode 167, where it made no sense at all.

Favourite Scene:  Every scene is a classic in this episode but I can watch Fishface take her bikini off over and over again!  And I have!

Bonus Detail:  The pink moped ridden by Fishface McBoobs this episode exploded after the final take, killing twelve members of the public. 

Here's a brilliant artist's representation of the exciting scene when the Lobster plane crashes into the funeral cortège!  Notice the liberal use of cartoon tears to symbolise grief and overwhelming human suffering.   I think the word that comes to mind here is 'dignity'.

Have your say!  Join the Crustacean Aviation Situation Conversation! Do you remember this episode?  Have you ever killed a postman?  Have you ever been impaled?  Are you a whale with human breasts?  Leave a comment!

Hello, Honky-Lovers!

Hello, Honky-Lovers!  It's good to be back!  I have been very keen to get back to keeping you updated on all things paramedically Merman but unfortunately I have been somewhat indisposed due to my incarcercation at Her Majesty's Pleasure for the last two and a half years.   I won't go into the grisly details but suffice to say that if any of you are currently attempting to woo a pretty lady in your neighbourhood I would strongly suggest that you do not attempt to impress her by hiding under her bed dressed as a celebrity merman and whispering 'look at the size of my fin' while she is putting her nightie on.  

Long story short, I have paid my debt to society and return energised, if also slightly traumatised!   Regardless, my future as the world's premier Honky Nincompoop Blogger lies before me!

Stay tuned for lots of exciting Honky Facts!  In the meantime, here's a copy of a letter that I pretended Honky Nincompoop wrote to me while I was in prison.  Oh, apparently it is good blogger ettiquette to encourage interaction in the comments from readers, so, do you have any exciting Honky memories?  Have you ever been in prison?  Have you ever hidden under a woman's bed, dressed as a Merman?  Tell me all about it! 

Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic! Episode 3 Synopsis!

Title:  ‘Now You SeaLion Him, Now You Don’t!’

Opening Scene:  Honky is making sure the local ladies water-polo team are safe from perverts by watching them through a small hole he’s drilled in the wall of their changing room.

Medical Emergency:  There’s an outbreak of the squits amongst the staff and customers of the local Garden Centre.

Crime Scene:  Walbert G. SeaLion has disappeared!  Will Honky find him? (Answer: No, he won’t.  The actor who played him had recently died in mysterious circumstances that I am legally obliged not to connect with the Dutch).

Domestic Crisis:  A strip of wallpaper in Honky’s dining room has started to peel off at the corner!

Fascinating Fact:  No stuntmen died during the making of this episode.   Unfortunately the same cannot be said for the catering crew who all died in tragic and mysterious circumstances, any connection to which were (once again!) strenuously denied by the Dutch.

Favourite Scene:  Searching for a 24 Hour Wallpaper Paste Shop, Honky is attacked by a vicious street-gang of teenage octopi!  Hopelessly outnumbered, Honky faces his doom!  Suddenly, a Killer Whale with Human Breasts jumps out of a bin and, using a plank of wood with nails sticking out of it, savagely batters all the pubescent octopi to death!  The legendary fighting-of-crime/healing-the-sick partnership of Honky Nincompoop and Fishface McBoobs is born thus, amongst the blood-soaked tentacles of their recently deceased tormentors!

Bonus Detail: Here’s a picture I created of Fishface McBoobs, played by Hollywood starlet and part-time hooker, Wilma T. Bermcrack the Third. 



The sexiest killer whale with human breasts in the history of showbiz!



Theme Tune! Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic!

As regular readers will be aware, I do not have access to the original material relating to 'Honky Nincompoop!  Merman Paramedic!' due to an unfortunate incident involving my shameful past as a crack addict and the subsequent loss of my house to fire.  However, I have tried my hardest to recreate the theme tune to this brilliant TV show using some of the resources available on the world-wide web.  I'm not saying it's perfect but I'm sure you'll agree it's better than nothing!  You can listen to the tune and bathe in the memory of the world's most exciting Merman-based Medical/Crime Drama here:

My home-made version of Honky's Theme Tune!

Until next time, Honky lovers!

Honky Nincompoop! Merman Paramedic! Episode 2 Synopsis

Title:  ‘Follow that Moped!’

Opening Scene:  Honky and Walbert G. SeaLion (in his last appearance before the actor’s tragic and mysterious death at the (alleged) hands of the Dutch) are relaxing at ‘Uncle Ransid-Krabstix’s Underwater Flipper and Fin Pampering Spa’ when Honky’s Mer-Phone rings!  Houses are collapsing all over town and people are being crushed to bits!

Medical Emergency:  Due to lax building regulations caused by corruption at the highest level of the local council, many houses in town are substandard in terms of their foundations and general structure.  When these houses start falling down on top of their inhabitants, there’s only one Merman who can tend to the horrifically injured!  That’s right, it’s Honky!

Crime Scene:  A moped is stolen from the local Polytechnic.

Domestic Crisis:  Honky is expecting a new dishwasher to be delivered, but he has to be at home between the hours of 3 and 5pm that day! Will Honky save the injured/solve the mystery of the stolen moped and make it home in time to accept delivery of his new dishwasher?!  You’ll have to wait and see!

Fascinating Fact:  The actor who played Uncle Ransid-Krabstix, Horace Nuntoucher, died in tragic and mysterious circumstances after filming was completed.  There is no evidence the Dutch were involved.  Of course, that doesn’t mean they weren’t involved, it just means it couldn’t be proved. 

Horace Nuntoucher - killed by the Dutch?

Favourite Scene:  Honky has to hold on tight to the sides of his roof-based bath when the Merman Mobile leaps over thirty eight buses in hot pursuit of the stolen moped but with his usual derring-do he cheerfully shouts ‘Isn’t that typical, you wait hours for a bus and then thirty eight of them come along at once!’.  LOL! Oh, Honky, how I miss your hilarity.

Bonus Detail: Here's a picture I made of the Mer-Phone, it's not as good as I'd hoped, but it's the best I can do.  It's basically a phone with fins.

Artist's impression of the original Mer-Phone